I've been reading 'Greenlights' by Matthew McConaughey and I have to say it's a really great read! It's funny and witty and insightful. I relate so much with his humor and 'rights of passage'. Early on he mentions how when he was young he didn't know what he wanted to be except he knew he wanted to be a Dad. I can also say that early in my college career I felt a little lost except I knew I wanted to be a great Dad. I have a great Dad so maybe I felt a calling to continue that legacy. Maybe its a seed that God plants in our souls? I'm not sure but I do know what a powerful impact a Dad can make on shaping the future of his children. And wether you are a good Dad or a not-so-good Dad you will leave an indelible mark on your kids.
I'm sitting here on a Saturday morning with my 5 daughters. Yes, 5 daughters. Haha. Well, 4 actually this morning. The oldest is moving back to her Sorority this weekend.
God gave me a chance to prove my Dadhood when he gave me 5 girls. I wish I had a video montage of all of the reactions from first dates. LOL. I've seen every reaction you can imagine after the inevitable question, "So do you have any kids?"
Dating as a single Dad of 5 daughters is quite the adventure. I'll do more posts about dating in the future. Haha. But these girls have shaped me in ways that is hard to even express on paper. I have learned how to be more patient, a better listener, gracious but firm, honest and vulnerable, protective and trusting. These girls know that I would do anything for them but they also know that I do not worship them. I'm there for them but I'm also constantly going through the pain of letting them go.
Since my girls were young I held tight to a few verses from scripture that have helped me be a better Dad. Both of them are about teaching and letting go. These are the two hardest parts of parenting. We spend countless hours and long nights talking with them, listening, crying, praying and doing everything we can to give them the tools they need to succeed in life. And then, we have to let them go. I'm honestly not sure which task is harder. Thankfully, I'm not completely at the letting go period with only one in college and none of them married. But that day will come. And these verses remind me that I am not just letting them go into the unknown vortex of the universe. I am simply walking with them as they transition from girls to women. And as I do this I am trusting in the merciful and trustworthy hands of God.
Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6
All your children will be taught by the LORD, and great will be their peace. Isaiah 54:13
So then, I am not just letting them go. I am leading them to walk with God. I am preparing them to lean on Jesus. As they get jobs, go to college, get married, have children, and experience life, they will not walk alone. And as their Dad, this hope has proved as an anchor for my soul. These aren't just happy thoughts or blissful emotions. This hope is real as the dirt under my feet and the air I breathe. So for me it's as much about learning to trust God with the lives and hearts of these 5 amazing and beautiful girls as it is about letting them go.
They are the future. They carry what we give them. Some of the experiences and lessons they will carry their entire lives. Hopefully these will be the good experiences. I've been far from a perfect Dad. And so, some of the experiences will need to be forgiven. But this too is a right of passage on its own. The ability to truly forgive me, their Mom, their sisters, their friends will be a lesson I hope they learn sooner than later. That's the one lesson that will most definitely give them wings. It's hard to get lift off when you are burdened with anger, resentment, bitterness and unforgiveness.
I can't guarantee that each of them will have every tool they need to be successful. It's not my responsibility to make their lives a fairy tale. But I do have the privilege and honor of taking the tools God has graced me with to shape them. To gently lead them to the throne of God's mercy where their hearts and lives can be transformed by His presence and love. To give them the tools they will need to love a world that can be brutal and cold. To teach them to be strong, to be wise, to not be limited in their thinking. To help them dream, to imagine possibilities, to be leaders who impact positive change.
This is how we shape the future. By investing our time, money and wisdom into our children. If you don't have children there are plenty of ways to invest in young people. You can be a mentor, a teacher, a friend.
Maybe you're reading this and you are wanting some practical advice. Maybe you want to be a parent someday or would like to mentor young people. Maybe you're a parent who would like to improve your parenting. So here are a few simple things you can do to help shape the future:
Spend time with them. If there were a '5 Love Languages for Kids' I think quality time would definitely be on the top of most kids list of felt needs. The time you spend with your kids can't be taken away from them. It is the number one thing they will treasure fro the rest of their lives. Make the time quality. It's ok to be on your phone or computer but don't make it a habit. Turn off the phone, tell that girl or guy you're dating you're having 'kid time'. Give them each undivided attention.
Go on adventures. It takes planning (sometimes) and money and time but take your kids on adventures! I take my girls hiking a lot. We went to Niagara Falls. We go to the beach and bodyboard and play frisbee and go pier fishing. We do road trips and love going to museums. One of my daughters told me that her love of history comes from all of the museums we have visited over the years. We went to the Aquarium in Chattanooga over Christmas break a few weeks ago. These experiences shape them.
Involve them in your projects. I live on a small farm. So when my girls are with me I get them dirty. We plant gardens. We built a Vineyard and a Chicken Coop. They help me mow the grass and plant flowers. We go load the truck with firewood and go to Home Depot together. It's my opinion that girls can do what guys can do. So I give these experiences, usually held for boys, to my girls. I want them to be able to jump a car, change a tire, plant a garden, paint a room, and fix broken stuff. These are literal tools I am giving them.
Listen. Give eye contact. Don't be distracted. Let them say it all. Don't try to fix them. Let them know you understand, with your words, with a hug. Make them feel heard. This is SO important. Just trust me.
Let them fail. This might sound harsh, unloving even. It's not. So many of us tell our kids, "I don't want you to make the same mistakes I made." And I get this. We want our kids to have it better than we had it. But laying down the law and protecting them from every possible opportunity where they could get hurt isn't necessarily the best parenting. In fact, I'm gonna go ahead and say it's mostly bad parenting. LOL. They need to experience the successes AND the failures of life while still under your OVERALL protection. And they need to know that you LOVE them no matter what. If they get that gold medal or are last. Doesn't matter. Kids are their own worst critic. They don't need your criticism. They need your support. They will seek your guidance if they know they have your support.
Ask forgiveness. This is probably the best advice I could give parents from my generation. I'm a gen x-er. Many of us grew up with parents who were taught that parents are always right. No matter what. This is what they learned from their parents and so on. But I decided early on that I wanted to change this cycle. I wanted my children to know that it's ok to be wrong sometimes. And it's ok to admit it when you are. It's healing for the soul. Cleansing. The language of forgiveness, as I call it, is the best gift you can give your children. It goes like this:
"Hey, I'm really sorry for ____________. Can you please forgive me?"
"Yes, that really hurt (upset, bothered, etc.) me. But I forgive you."
That's it! It's that simple. But oh so powerful! Forgiveness changes the fabric of your family. A family that forgives and accepts is one that can weather the storms, and
not quielty suffering alone. When you forgive you gather that person back into the
fold. How many families are separated, don't talk, can't communicate because of
past pain, unforgiven hurt. Doesn't have to be like this. Your children deserve better
than this cycle of brokeness. So be the brave one to break the cycle. Some parents
are afraid of asking forgiveness becasue they don't want to appear weak. We are,
after all, the authority figues right? But this is a misconception of what it means to be
in authority. Yes, I have authoirty. But I can use my authority to teach them that
everyone makes mistakes and everyone needs forgiveness from time to time. Not
only does this teach them an amazing life lesson but it also gains you respect
and your child's forgiveness. And it keeps the bond between you strong. Because,
they now understand that they can come to you when they mess up and won't be
lambasted. They also learn that they don't have to be perfect to be a parent. Yes,
they will carry it forward for future generations. Shaping the future.
